here & now

2008-10-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

hope

2008-09-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

those who know me well know that i have this compulsive need to rearrange my belongings every so often. after living here a month, i had the urge to do so tonight. i managed to stick to the bedroom. and at the end of it, everything ended up almost exactly where it began, but with more mess. oh well ....

lots of times, when i'm in one of my rearranging frenzies, i lose momentum, decide to take a break (meaning give up until tomorrow) and plop down with a good book or movie. and i'm usually fine with whatever mess i leave, as long as the bed (or part of it) is cleared off, so my weary body has a place to fall at the end of the day.

i wonder if it's sometimes the same way with life? sometimes it feels like everything is flying all over the place and nothing's familiar and things will never be the same. sometimes life's just one big mess. but i find that it's (usually) manageable, as long as there's something constant and familiar in the midst of the chaos ....

life is feeling fairly chaotic right now. and i know it's feeling even more chaotic for some of those i love. i take comfort in knowing that there's always something to keep one going, even in the muckiest of times.

just rambling

2008-08-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

i've finally semi-settled in in vancouver. it will take some getting used to ... living in a new town, where i know noone, and don't know my way around. but i am excited. in a conversation with a friend (the wonderful brook landers) last weekend, i found myself finally putting words to this antsy seeming necessity to leave, to explore and to renew that i have felt lately.

i am hardly ever the one to leave. i'm usually the one that's left as friends or family members move away, chase after dreams, explore a new place, travel, go home, etc. it feels odd to be in this place. but there is this buried bit of excitement, masked beneath other things i currently feel: fear, worry, dread, loneliness, incapability ....

i NEED this time. i need time to find who i am- who i have become. i feel as if, in the last five years (and beyond), i have been constantly changing- transforming (as we all do)- it has been happening so quickly that i've hardly had time to keep up. especially this last year- student teaching, seeing what my future career might look and feel like, finally graduating, realizing i can go anywhere, do anything, i am not fastened completely to any place. and with this realization- that i can go anywhere, i can be with anyone- i choose to flee to somewhere unfamiliar- i choose to be on my own ... i think i am yearning for the moments that used to be common- time alone, with myself, forced to know who i am- and in turn, loving myself. it's tough to love yourself if you don't know who you are.

i'm not saying i don't know who i am, or that i want to return to the person i was when i used to spend so much time alone and be so familiar with myself. change is good- i'm grateful for the experiences, and the people that have influenced my life and affected change in who i am ... i just feel the need to 'reconnect' with myself and reflect on these last five years in bellingham.

leaving bellingham felt odd. i'm so used to clutching a place when it's time to leave it- to sentimentally savor every last moment- each final experience. i usually make sure i visit each special spot, capture places in photos, reminisce constantly. i did so in colorado. i did it every year at camp. but this time ... i felt like i was able to drive away without that aching sense of having forgotten to say goodbye to some special place, to walk a path one last time. i felt emotional about leaving the people, but i felt a sense of peace about leaving the place. i wonder if this is because i felt satisfied and fulfilled by my time in bellingham. i experienced so many wonderful things and places and learned so much about myself, and the place, that i felt like it was okay to finally move on. maybe it was also the fact that i know i'll be back.

in part, i think it's that i am just ready for that time to reconnect with me. maybe it's selfish to feel this way ... but once i know myself better, i will have a lot more to give.

2008-03-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

today i went on a run. okay, i'll be honest. i went on a walk, with brief spurts of running interspersed. it felt good to be outside, under the blue sky and shining sun. while slowly wandering back home, i breathed in the cool air, encountering a familiar scent. not- yet- the smell of lilacs, the springtime scent i crave. but another beloved, somewhat hopeful sign of the approaching season of sunny afternoons and carefree evenings .. the smell of a tree in full bloom. i turned my head up to gaze at pink petals flowing from branches. i reached up and stroked this sign of life- alive.

i was reminded of the way i used to live for being immersed in such beauty and reality. i was not satisfied by entertainment or conversation. instead, i'd wander into the woods. i'd run, i'd climb, i'd even sometimes crawl through overgrown patches of leaves and vines. i'd let my mind wander and dream. i'd pray. i'd sing. i'd take my notebook with me so that when inspiration or wonder struck, i could plop down wherever i was at, and let hte ink of my pen flood the page. i wished, while walking today, that i had a pencil. i wonder, could i collapse on a stranger's lawn and capture this glimpse of approaching spring, this reminder of who i am? it's what i longed for. it's what i needed. it was- is- me.

and that's when i realized: where has that ME been lately? i look at myself and how i spend my time and where my thoughts are and hardly recognize who and what i see. my passions, my longings, my dreams ... i used to be so satisfied simply sitting on a stump in the middle of the woods. where is that simplicity .. that realness?

2008-03-08T23:07:00.000-08:00

life cannot be understood flat on a page. it has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath.

it's a living book, this life; it folds out in a million settings, cast with a billion different characters, and is almost over for you. it doesn't matter how old you are; it is coming to a close quickly, and soon the credits will roll.

so soon you will be in that part of the book where you are holding the bulk of the pages in your left hand, and only a think wisp of the story in your right. you will know by the page count, not by the narrative, that the author is wrapping things up. you begin to mourn its ending, and want to pace yourself slowly towards its closure, knowing the last lines will speak of something long and earned, and you hope the thing closes out like last breaths, like whispers about how much and who the characters have come to love, and how authentic the sentiments feel when they have earned a hundered pages of qualification.

and so my prayer is that your story will have involved some learning and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play, my hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning how to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of loving God. we get one story, you and i, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. it would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

it might be time for you to go. it might be time to change, to shine out.

i want to repeat one word for you: leave.

roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. it is a beautiful word, isn't it? so strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. and you will not be alone. you have never been alone. don't worry. everything will still be here when you get back. it is you who have changed.

-d. miller-